The Bible has maintained its popularity largely due to the illiteracy of its followers. The literal meaning of "illiteracy" is the inability to read, but when we speak of biblical illiteracy we mean the inability to read the bible for oneself. Believers are often raised to trust in the stories that they were taught from their childhood about the Bible and they seldom take the time to read these stories for themselves. The inconsistencies are perpetuated by parents who teach their children the same errors which they were taught when they were young. When adult believers actually do read them, they tend to ignore those portions which don't reflect the watered-down versions they have grown up with.
Preachers help maintain the ignorance of their followers by skirting around the unpleasant passages and stories in the Bible, focusing instead on the same old passages such as John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son...". There have been instances where freethinkers, such as Robert Ingersoll, have offered rewards of thousands of dollars to any preacher who would read specific passages directly to their congregation as they are contained in the Bible. No preacher was willing to read these passages. The reasons they don't want their congregations to be informed of the truth are quite simple: the Bible cannot stand up to critical scrutiny. Believers are told that they should rely on FAITH rather than trust what they see with their own eyes. The Bible itself warns that we are not to trust in our own ability to reason or understand (Proverbs 3:5). With that in mind, we now present a rational analysis of some old favorite Bible Stories as well as a few of those ones your local pastor refuses to talk about in Sunday School.

NOTE: The analysis that follows is largely based on the irrational belief that an actual God(s) exists. For a more probable analysis of who the authors of the Bible were talking about when they used the word "God," see The Immaculate Deception..
Index

    The Creation
    Adam and Eve
    The Sons of God
    Noah's Ark
    Abraham
    Sodom and Gomorrah
    Jacob and Esau
    Moses and Pharoh
    Moses, Advisor to the All-Mighty
    Moses Establishes Idol Worship
    Balaam and the Donkey
    Samson and Delilah
    Tell Me the Stories of Jesus

The Creation

The Bible says that in the "beginning" God created the heaven and the earth. (Genesis 1:1) Here's the story they don't tell you:
God did nothing infinitely

Before anything existed there was this guy we'll call God who had existed for all of the eternity before anything existed doing nothing and thinking nothing, then he had a thought; the first "causeless cause" (the very first thing which had ever happened without something causing it to happen...confused yet?) What was this thought? Probably, "This sucks, I'm bored." When people see the complexity of the universe, they believe it couldn't have randomly come into being so there must be a designer who planned and created the universe. What they fail to realize is that any designer who could come up with a complex universe must also be just as complex as his design, so who designed the complex designer? The reply is "no one did, the designer always existed." Our response is, that if that complex designer can exist without a designer, then our complex universe doesn't need one either.

Humans don't like to think about the issues of infinity because we are linear thinkers (we think of events occurring along a time line) and we can't relate our limited perspective to infinity. The faithful prop God up to solve infinity much like primitive man looked at the night sky and thought of it as a curtain with holes in it. They don't want to think about the reality of infinity so they leave the thinking in the hands of God. Unfortunately this doesn't solve the problems of infinity, it merely hides them under the rug of "God."
Day 1-Light without a source

On the first day of creation this God thought, "Hey, let's have some water here." And poof there was water and God floated around in it. This water was dark and had no form. The Bible called this water, the earth (Genesis 1:2). Then God said, "let's have some light here." Poof we have light. What is the source of this light? We don't know, since this is only the first day of creation and the sun and the stars aren't created until the fourth day (Genesis 1:14). At the end of the first day of creation, God decides that he doesn't want the light and the darkness to be together anymore so he seperates them and calls them day and night. How darkness was able to exist in the presence of light before God seperated them is another of those great biblical mysteries.
Day 2-Sky in the Water

On the second day God is still floating aimlessly in this mass of water so he decides to split the water up into two parts by putting an expanse of open space in the middle of the water. God calls this expanse (or firmament) "Heaven" (Genesis 1:6-8). Here we see the first example of God using his magical powers to part seas in the Bible. Later we get to see God impart this same water-parting power to his human lackeys; Moses (with a wave of his hand-Exodus 14:21), Joshua (with a magic ark-Joshua 3:15-16), and Elijah and Elisha (with a magic cloak-2 Kings 2:8, 14).
Day 3-Earth Flattened Out

On the third day of creation, God gathered up the lower water and formed a flat surface with four corners. These corners are mentioned throughout the Bible (Ezekiel 7:2, Revelations 7:1). From this table of water, God "let the dry land appear." God then made grass, herbs and fruit plants appear on the land. No mention is made of any aquatic plants, but we will trust that God probably made those on this day also. Let's take a look at what the Bible says the earth looks like at this point.
Rain Falls From Windows in Heaven

When we visualize the world that the Bible describes, we wonder why the Hebrews thought that God would put a body of water above heaven. The reason for this is that the ignorant Hebrews believed that rain was water leaking through windows in heaven that held the upper water above the earth. When God flooded the earth in the Bible, he did it by opening these windows and allowing the upper water to flood down over the earth (Genesis 7:11). The Hebrews also believed that this water was held above the earth by pillars (Job 26:11) and that the earth itself sat on pillars (1 Samuel 2:8, Psalms 75:3). They thought that earthquakes were caused by God shaking these pillars (Job 9:6). Modern science has shown us that the Bible's concept of the earth is absurd. This evidence alone should be sufficient to prove that the Bible is nothing more than the ramblings of ignorant and superstitious savages. Yet believers continue to believe...
Day 4-Sun and Stars Appear

When day 4 rolls around, God finally decides to create the sun, moon, and stars. Where the light of day was coming from on the other three days is a mystery. Perhaps it was simply God's illustrious personality? The Bible says that God made two great lights (the sun and the moon), but we know from exploration that the moon is not a light since it is merely reflecting the light of the sun. The Bible legitimizes the occult practice of astrology on this day by stating that one of the purposes of stars is to serve as "signs" (Genesis 1:14).
Day 5-Fish and Fowl Day

On the fifth day the Bible says that God created great sea monsters (the original Hebrew word for sea monsters is translated in modern terms as "whales") and God calls tells the water to produce an abundant amount of moving creatures that are alive. It's comforting to know that God didn't make any moving creatures that AREN'T alive. God also creates all the birds on this day. Since God hadn't created insects yet, we must assume that all the birds ate seeds and fish on this day.
Day 6-Animals and Man are Made

On the last working day of the creation, God makes all the rest of the creatures that live on the land to include man. When God decides to make man he says "Let us make man in ourimage after our likeness..." (Genesis 1:26) This passage reveals quite a bit about the true physical nature of God. It tells us that there is more than one God and it tells us that these Gods have a body which has a form and features similar to ours (an image is defined as a representation of the form and features of something). As we have already covered in The Immaculate Deception, the Gods were able to "create" man in their image by splicing their DNA into that of the primates that were to become man.
Day 7-God gets some rest

When God finished with his work, he had to take a day to rest. We can imagine that anyone who did that much work would need to take a rest, especially since he had spent the previous eternity sitting there doing nothing. God enjoyed his day of rest so much that he decided that everyone should spend the seventh day of each week resting and telling God what a great job he did with his creation. He was so determined that people respect his special day that he commanded that any who didn't respect it should be stoned to death.
Man being stoned for picking up sticks on Sabbath

The Bible tells us of an instance where a man was stoned to death just because he picked up sticks on God's special day of rest. The man was probably gathering sticks for his family's cooking fire. In this story, the people aren't sure what they should do with this man so they take him to Moses. God then tells Moses that this man must be put to death. God's true sense of mercy and justice are made quite clear in this instance, when a man is put to death for simply picking up sticks. As the attendance at churches across this country continues to decline, we're sure that preachers will wish they could return to the days when those who broke the sabbath and didn't go to church could be executed.

If a God created the world, then when we look around this world, we should see the nature of that God reflected. What do we see when we look around? We see life struggling to survive off the suffering of others. Animals are forced to mutilate and devour other animals in order to stay alive. Eat or be eaten. This is the nature of God. When creationists preach that a perfect God created this world, they often ignore the fact that this creation is full of imperfection. Genetic mutations occur in plants and animals which cause handicaps, suffering and injustice. Take, for instance, the mentally retarded child or the child that is born without limbs. If God is supposed to be so perfect, why did he create such a potentially imperfect world? And some people are so naive as to believe that heaven will be perfect, when he can't even get earth right!

Creation Bloopers
Adam and Eve

After God created the earth, he decided to make man so he would have someone to till the earth. When God created the first man, he made him ignorant, like the beasts of the field. Adam, the first man, didn't possess the ability to form concepts of value in his mind. Adam was nothing more than a robot, waiting to do whatever his programmer demanded. God created this man to be the gardener of the Garden of Eden (Genesis 2:15). It was God's intention that man be a slave in this garden forever without the ability to think for himself or the ability to choose right from wrong. For some strange reason God planted a tree in the garden that would give man the same abilities that God wanted to keep from him. God had also planted another tree in the garden which bestows eternal life.
Adam and Eve

God then told man that he could eat from every tree in the garden except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil because if he ate from that tree he would die that same day (Genesis 2:17). God had given the robot-man his instructions: don't partake of that tree. Interestingly God didn't mention the tree of life to man nor did he tell man that he was not to partake of the fruit from it. Perhaps God had made it inaccessible to man so he didn't think man would get to it in his ignorant robot-like state.

God then makes the first female by taking a rib from Adam and turning it into a woman. Women will now be considered the property of man because they came from man's body.

Man obeyed God's instructions like a good robot until one day when a crafty serpent approached Eve and asked her to repeat the instructions God had given them regarding the fruit of the tree. Eve repeated God's instructions like the robot that she was, telling the serpent that God told them they would die the day they ate that fruit. The serpent then reveals the deception that God has tried to force upon man by telling Eve that God knows that you won't die, but that you'll become like him and you'll know good from evil and be able to think and judge for yourself. The serpent's instructions filled the empty mind of the robot Eve who didn't know that it was wrong to listen to a serpent or that it was right to obey God and she took the fruit and gave some to Adam, who took it from her like the robot that he was at that time. Once they ate the fruit, they did indeed become like God and they immediately realized that what they had done was wrong. They also realized that the Gods they had seen walking in the garden wore clothing and they were naked so they made themselves aprons out of leaves.

Then they heard God's voice approaching (God was taking a stroll in the garden during the cool of the day...interesting behavior for something without a body) and they hid from God in the bushes. God looks around and can't find Adam so he calls out "Hey, Adam! Where are you?" Now Adam, comes out and tells God that he was afraid of God because NOW he knew that he was naked and had disobeyed God's instructions. God realized that the only way Adam could know that he had been naked and done wrong was if someone told him he was naked or if Adam had eaten of that fruit which gave man the knowledge of good and evil. Rather than take responsibility for his actions, the first man points the finger of blame at the woman saying, "That woman that you made for me gave me the fruit and I ate it." When God turns to the woman she says, "It wasn't my fault, the serpent tempted me." So does God in his infinite wisdom and perfect justice blame himself for putting the tree in the grasp of man? No. Does he blame himself for leaving man to the wiles of more intelligent creatures? No. Does he blame himself for expecting man to be able to choose the right and obey when he has kept that knowledge from him? No. God punishes the serpent, the woman, the man, and condemns all of man's future offspring to be "fallen" and "sinners."
Booted out of the Garden

After promising man a life of turmoil and suffering, God made clothes for Adam and Eve and dressed them. Then God talks to the other Gods and says, "Behold the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:..." (Genesis 3:22) God then sends man out of the garden and sets up angels to guard the tree of life. God's position of authority over man is safeguarded once more.
The Sons of God

Christians are taught that Jesus was the only Son of God, but the Bible tells us about other sons that God had. The first mention of these sons of God comes after Adam and Eve are kicked out of the Garden of Eden. During that time, man had begun to multiply and cover the face of the earth and men began to have lots of daughters. The Bible tells us that the sons of God saw these daughters of men and they took them to be their wives. These sons of God then proceded to have children with human women. These children grew up to become mighty men (Genesis 6:1-4). Similar stories can be found in Greek mythology of heroes coming from the unions of Gods who mated with human women. Christians who refuse to believe these Greek mythologies (such as the story of Zeus mating with a human female and creating Hercules) should reconsider the reasons they believe the biblical versions.

These sons of God are mentioned again in the book of Job. Twice there are instances where the sons of God come to present themselves before God to report on their activities (Job 1:6, 2:1). Exactly what are these sons up to? The Bible suggests that they are reporting on the state of affairs on earth. Why the all-knowing, all-seeing God, needs someone to tell him what's going on is a mystery. When the sons of God come to visit God, Satan decides to join them. Apparently the authors of the Bible thought that Satan was able to freely enter God's presence. The Bible claims that Satan would annoy God by reporting to God anytime one of his saints committed a sin. God finally grew tired of Satan's badgering and had him thrown out of heaven (Isaiah 29:20, Rev. 12:10).
Noah's Ark

Noah's Ark is the predominant theme in many baby-oriented products that are sold on the american market. Noah's boat and its cargo of happy, friendly animals grace the walls of baby nurseries across the nation. Mother struggles to save her baby from God's wrathChildren are taught that God saved Noah and the cute animals from the flood, but no mention is ever made of the billions of cute animals that drowned horribly in writhing agony. And heaven forbid focusing on the countless, innocent little babies that God drowned in his irrational act of vengeance. Certainly a God who could create organized matter by a mere thought could have come up with a better way to "clean the slate," if that was all he was interested in doing. The Bible tells us that God was sorry ("repented") that he had made man on the earth (Genesis 6:6). In another part of the Bible, it claims that God doesn't repent because he never makes mistakes like man does (1 Samuel 15:29). So, if God was sorry he had made man, why didn't he just "unmake" man? Why did the creator of the majesty of the universe not simply send man back into the cornfield of oblivion from which he had pulled him? It's obvious that God wanted man to suffer, and not only those who had made God sorry he had created man, but all the innocent children and all the blameless animals. God somehow kept the fresh water fish from dying when the salt water of the oceans covered the earth, certainly God could have used his miraculous powers to spare the land animals and the innocent children the horror of drowning...but he chose NOT to. We can only imagine the horror of bloated, dead animal and human bodies which must have littered the land after the flood waters receded.
Dead bodies litter the land

When asked about the senseless deaths of innocent children, both born and unborn, believers claim "they went to a better place," and "now they're in the loving arms of Jesus." With that type of mentality, they should be supporting abortion clinics, not bombing them. Every aborted fetus ends up in the loving arms of Jesus. Spare the innocent children the horrible experience of growing up in an evil society, send them all to the loving arms of Jesus. This is the kind of thinking that must have run through the minds of the "men of God" while they were slaughtering millions of innocent children and babies: "Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones." (Psalms 137:9)

Christians often cry that the people who drowned were warned, "but they wouldn't listen!" However, the actual story of Noah's Ark in the Bible makes no mention of God warning anyone except Noah. Pictures from children's Bible story books often show Noah working hard on the Ark while neighbors scoff and laugh at him. While the actual version of the story in the Bible doesn't mention anyone knowing about the ark except Noah. We understand that Christians feel a need to rationalize the deaths of all of humanity by thinking that "they were warned," but the truth is, the only warning was given to Noah and he kept the secret to himself.

Most people think that Noah was told to take only two of each animal into the Ark, but God actually told Noah to take two of all the animals that were considered "unclean," Noah was to take seven of all the "clean" animals and the birds. The reason God wanted more of these animals becomes quite clear once Noah got off the Ark after the flood. Noah took the clean animals, slaughtered them and offered them as a burnt offering to God on an altar! God goes to all the trouble of saving the animals from drowning just so he can have Noah sacrifice them on a fiery altar! God likes the smell of the burning flesh so much that he decides not to drown every living thing, like he had just done, ever again (Genesis 8:21). God must really love the smell of a good barbecue.

The story of Noah usually ends with God making a rainbow to show that he won't destroy all living things on the earth "with water" again (fire maybe but not water). Let's look at what Noah did after the flood story. He settled down and planted a vineyard so he could make wine. Then he got drunk and naked and passed out in his tent. Sounds like God knew what he was doing when he chose Noah to be the only human worthy of surviving the flood. The father of the future races of humanity was a drunkard. Maybe they should add wine bottles to those cut-outs of animals, arks and rainbows we always see on baby blankets.
Abraham
- Hustling Husband -

After God made man unable to understand each other at The Tower of Babel, he left man alone for several hundred years until a man named Abraham was born. Abraham came from a family that worshipped many different Gods. One of these Gods, talked to Abraham and told him to leave his family and travel to another country and if he did, this God promised to make him a great nation. So Abraham did what this God told him to do and he took his wife, Sarah and his nephew, Lot and all their slaves and possessions and traveled to a land called Canaan. While they were journeying near Egypt, Abraham became afraid that the Egyptians would see his beautiful wife and they would kill him and take her so he told his wife to tell the Egyptians that she was his sister and not his wife. When the Egyptian princes of Pharoh saw her, they told the Pharoh about her and the Pharoh had her brought to his house so he could have sex with her. The Pharoh purchased Sarah from Abraham with sheep, oxen, camels, asses, and slaves. Abraham still didn't tell them that she was his wife. Abraham, God's chosen man, was pimping his wife out as a prostitute and did God punish HIM for doing this? NO! God sends a plague to the Pharoh and his household! The Pharoh had done nothing wrong but God punished him anyway. When the Pharoh learns that the plague is because he was having sex with the wife of God's chosen man, he says, "Abraham, what have you done to me? Why didn't you tell me she was your wife?" Then Pharoh gave Abraham his wife back and sent him on his way along with all the riches that Abraham had gained from pimping his wife (Genesis 12:18-20).
- Loving Father -

Abraham and Sarah didn't have any children but God promised that Abraham's offspring would become a great nation. Sarah felt like she was too old to have children so she told Abraham to have sex with her maid (slave), Hagar, so he would have children by her. Abraham has sex with his wife's maid and she gets pregnant. When Sarah see that her maid has gotten pergnant, she gets jealous and tells Abraham that now her maid is making fun of her because she got pregnant while Sarah couldn't. Abraham tells her, "Hey, she's your maid, do whatever you want to her." So Sarah, beats her maid and the maid runs away into the wilderness. An angel finds the maid in the wilderness and tells her to go back and submit to the punishments that Sarah will give her. The angel tells her that she will have a son and that God will make her the mother of so many, that they won't be able to be numbered. The Moslems consider themselves to be descended from the son that she has. So Hagar returns to Sarah and delivers a son. God then makes a covenant with Abraham that if all of the male children born to him will cut off the foreskin of their penis, he will be their God and he will give them the land of Canaan (which happens to be occupied by the "unchosen" at the time). Eventually, Sarah gets pregnant and has a son, Isaac. By this time, Sarah's jealousy of Hagar and her son has reached a pinacle and she accuses Hagar's son of mocking her and demands that Abraham throw him and his mother out into the wilderness. She then gives the real reason for her demands, "I don't want him to share the inheritance with my son, Isaac." (Genesis 21:10) This demand bothers Abraham, but not God, who tells Abraham, "Don't worry about your firstborn son and his mother, just do whatever your wife Sarah wants done to them." (Genesis 21:12) So in the morning, Abraham gave Hagar some bread and a bottle of water and sent her and his firstborn son, Ishmael, alone into the wilderness. Abraham should be nominated for father of the year.
Abraham prepares to kill his son for God

One day (Genesis 22:1), God decides to "tempt" Abraham (even though the Bible says that God doesn't tempt men, Satan does - James 1:13) by commanding him to sacrifice his son, Isaac on an altar to God. The Bible makes no mention of Abraham questioning such an evil command. I hope that any believers who may have read this article this far, are better parents than Abraham was. Unfortunatley, history has shown that when dellusional people think that God has commanded them to commit murder and kill even their own children, they will obey just as blindly as Abraham.
Sodom and Gomorrah

While Abraham was being visited by three angels, he was told that his old wife would have a son. God decided to also tell Abraham about his plans for the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. The Bible tells us that God had heard that the people of those cities were doing something "very grievous" (Genesis 18:20) so God was going to go down and see if things were as bad as he had heard. Why an all-knowing God needed to go "see for himself" is a mystery. Abraham cautiously proceeded to make a deal with God at that point, sort of like a biblical "The Price Is Right," the conversation going something like this:

    Abraham: Hey, God, you wouldn't destroy the righteous along with the wicked would you? Uh...let's say there were fifty righteous people in the city, wouldn't you spare the lives of the innocent by not destroying the entire city? That wouldn't be very Godly of you, I mean...to punish the righteous as if they were wicked. You're the judge of all the earth, shouldn't you do the right thing?

    God: If I find fifty righteous, I will spare the city for their sake.

    Abraham: Now, look at what I've done...me a lowly piece of dirt, who dares to question God. But let's say there were only five missing from the fifty. Would you destroy the entire city just because there were five missing?

    God: I won't destroy the city if I find forty five righteous in it.

    Abraham: Well, what if there are only forty?

    God: I won't destroy it if there are forty

    Abraham: Now, don't get angry at me, but what if there are only thirty righteous people there?

    God: I won't destroy it if I find thirty there.

    Abraham: Well, I've put my foot in this far, let's say there are only twenty righteous...

    God: I won't destroy it if I find twenty.

    Abraham: Don't get angry and I will ask this last time. What if there are only ten righteous there?

    God: I won't destroy it for the sake of ten righteous people.
    (Genesis 18:23-32)

God wasn't able to find even 10 innocent women or children in the two cities. Christian versions of the story claim that God heard the cries of innocent children (See Jack Chick's "Doom Town", apparently God didn't consider these chidlren to be very righteous.
Sodom and Gomorrah say bye bye

Abraham's nephew, Lot was living in Sodom and two angels came to warn him that the city was about to be destroyed because of its sinfulness. What exactly were these cities doing which was so "sinful?" Because a mob came to Lot's house to try to rape the angels, modern Christians believe it had to do with homosexuality. If homosexuality was the sin of Sodom and Gomorrah, why didn't God destroy the city of Gibeah when they tried to rape a visiting man? (Judges 19:22) The Bible tells us that the sins of Sodom were "pride, fulness of bread, and abundance of idleness" they also didn't "strengthen the hand of the poor and needy" (Ezekiel 16:49). Let's take a look at these supposed sins. Pride, fulness of bread and abundance of idleness suggest that the cities were self-sufficient, they were productive enough as a civilization to not need God. We have already discussed why God would consider self-reliance to be sinful; God wanted to keep man busy (See The Tower of Babel). As for not strengthening the hand of the poor and needy, Jesus himself was guilty of that same "sin" when he allowed a woman to waste an expensive ointment on his feet instead of selling it to feed the poor as one of his disciples suggested (Matt. 26:6-11, Mark 14:3-7). These reasons by themselves don't seem sufficient to warrant God sending a special hit-team to destroy them. For the real reason Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed, see Independence Day or "The Rapture?"

The only people which God considered righteous enough to save from the destruction of the cities was Lot, his wife, and his two daughters. Lot's wife is killed because she dared to look back at the city and Lot's "righteous" daughters turned around and got him drunk and raped him so that they could get pregnant. God's definition of "righteous" apparently has little to do with one's personal morality or actions, since innocent children don't qualify but rapists do.
Jacob and Esau

Abraham's son, Isaac had two sons of his own. They were twins named Esau (who came out first) and Jacob. According to the Hebrew law, the firstborn son was to receive the best part of the father's inheritance. Esau was a cunning hunter and Jacob was a simple tent dweller. Isaac loved his firstborn son and enjoyed the food that he was able to capture but Isaac's wife loved the secondborn son, Jacob most of all.

Once, Esau went on a hunting trip and was unable to obtain food. By the time he had reached his homeland, he was nearly starved to death. His brother Jacob was cooking soup in the field when Esau stumbled upon him. Seeing the food, he begged his brother to allow him to eat or else he would die from starvation. His brother sees, not a chance to help his older brother, but an opportunity to take advantage of his misfortune. Jacob says, "I'll sell you some of this soup for your portion of our father's inheritance." Esau responds, "Hey, I'm about to die. If I die what good will my inheritance be to me?" (Genesis 25:32) So in this manner, Jacob showed his brotherly love by robbing a dying brother of his birthright for a bowl of soup. Christians are taught that Esau was the one who did something wrong by not truly appreciating his birthright, ignoring the fact that it was Jacob who took advantage of his brother when he was in dire need.

When Isaac had grown old and felt like he was approaching his deathbed, he decided to give his father's blessing to his oldest son, Esau. Isaac had lost his vision at that point of his life and he wanted Esau to bring him some venison so Esau went out to the field to hunt for his father. While Esau was in the field, Isaac's wife heard what was going on and came up with a plan to deceive her husband and make him give the father's blessing to Jacob instead. So she told her plan to Jacob, and this is how the story went:

    Rebekah: I heard your father ask your brother to bring him some venison so he could give him the firstborn's blessing. I want you to bring me a couple of goats from the herd and I will prepare them so that your father will think they are venison and then you can pretend like you are Esau and he will give the blessing to you.

    Jacob: But, my brother Esau is hairy. What happens if my father touches me and finds out that I'm not Esau? Then he'll think I'm trying to deceive him (DUH! Why do you think he would think that???) and he will give me a curse instead of a blessing.

    Rebekah: Don't worry about any curse, you just do what I say. (Genesis 27:6-13)

So Rebekah takes the goats and prepares them the way Isaac likes and puts the goat skins on Jacob's hands and neck. Jacob takes the meat to his father and the conversation goes like this:

    Jacob: Dad?

    Isaac: I'm right here. Who is there?

    Jacob: It's me, your firstborn son, Esau. I brought the meat you asked for. Come eat it and give me your blessing.

    Isaac: Wait a minute. How were you able to find a deer so quickly?

    Jacob: God brought a deer to me.

    Isaac: Hmmm...come over here so I can feel you and make sure you are my son Esau and not some deceptive imposter.

Jacob has not only lied to his father to steal his brother's property but he has brought GOD into his lie. God should have struck him dead, but for some unknown reason, God didn't. Jacob approached his father and his father felt the goat fur on his hands and neck. Isaac says "You have the voice of Jacob but the hands of Esau." To make sure he wasn't being deceived, Isaac asked Jacob one more time, "Are you really my son Esau?" Jacob stuck to his lie, telling his father that he was indeed his brother. So Isaac blessed Jacob with the blessing that was meant for Esau. Right after Jacob left his father's tent, the real Esau showed up with his meat. Now the truth becomes clear to Isaac; his son has deceived him, but for some strange reason, the blessing must stand as it was given. Isaac was only able to give Esau a lesser blessing now. This reveals an interesting aspect of the Hebrews' understanding of "blessings," and that is that once given, they cannot be rescinded. You would think that once Isaac realized he had been deceived that he would have been able to take back the blessing which Jacob had gained by deception, but that isn't what happened.

Isaac blessed Jacob with the following:

Therefore God give thee of the dew of heaven, and the fatness of the earth, and plenty of corn and wine:" - Genesis 27:28

Since God is the one who fulfills the blessing, this story suggests that God can be cheated and he can't do what is just and right by giving the blessing to the one who was supposed to get it (Esau). How very limited is the God of the Bible!

When Esau learns that his brother has once again cheated him out of what should belong to him, he vows to have justice. Rebekah sends Jacob away to live with relatives for over 14 years to keep him safe from his brother's justifiable wrath. But Esay stays with his father and cares for him in his old age rather than pursue his deceptive brother and get his revenge. For the story of Jacob's shenanigans during that time see Sex, Drugs, and Husband Swapping.

Jacob eventually returns to the land of his father but he realizes that his brother has vowed to kill him for all the injustices he has made his brother so he decides to send messengers out to meet his brother's men. The messengers are told to tell Esau that his brother Jacob is coming home with lots of animals and servants but the messengers come back to Jacob telling him that Esau is already coming to meet them and that he has 400 men with him. Jacob realizes that he is in dire straights and that justice is about to meet him head on so he divides his group into two groups so that if Esau and his men attack the first group, the second group will have a chance to escape. Then Jacob prepares a bribe of goats, sheep, camels, cattle and sends them out to meet Esau in the hopes of gaining his mercy. That night a man wrestled with Jacob and when Jacob defeated the "man" we discover that it was not a man but God himself which Jacob had been wrestling. After this wrestling match, Jacob's name is changed to "Israel" because he was able to wrestle with God and prevail. Jacob confirms that it is God that he wrestled with when he says, "I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved." (Genesis 32:30)

Finally Esau's men approach Jacob and we get to see Jacob's bravery at its best. He puts his wives and children in front of himself, placing the wife he hated (Leah) and her children and handmaids in front of the wife he loved (Rachel) and leaving himself cowering behind them all. (Genesis 33:1-2)

What happens next is one of the most touching scenes of human brotherly love and kindness exhibited in the Bible. Esau, the brother who has been abused and mistreated by his own twin all of his life, doesn't strike out at his brother, but he bows down before each of the wives he passes and runs to his brother, Jacob, taking him in his arms and crying on his neck. When he learns that the flocks he passed were a gift, he refuses to accept them saying that he has more than enough already. His love for his brother has driven the need for vengence out of his heart and he welcomes Jacob back home with all the love a brother can muster (Genesis 33:3-9).

How does God respond to this act of love and mercy? The Bible tells us that God hated Esau (Romans 9:13) but loved Jacob. Why is this? The Bible tells us that it is not our place to ask why or to judge God's decisions. It goes on to say that the clay has no right to ask the potter "why did you make me like this?" (Romans 9:20-23) Yet, it is the clay that will burn in the fires of hell for all eternity because it was made too weak to stand the test of fire of the kiln of life? The Bible has the gall to say that if God unjustly condemns a man to hell just to make himself more glorious then that is God's right to do so. We will not stand for such blatant injustice! If God cannot stand up to the judgment of reason and justice then he should be cast off his throne. If you haven't done so already, toss this evil tyrant off the throne of your heart today!
Moses and Pharoh

With the release of the movie "The Prince of Egypt" the public is once again flooded with the biased version of the story of Moses and the Exodus of the Hebrews from Egypt. The Pharoh is always painted as an evil man who enslaved the Hebrews and did everything in his power to keep them as his slaves. We often wonder what could make a man so stubborn that it took numerous plagues and the death of his own firstborn before he let the Hebrews go free. The Bible tells us what could make a man so stubborn; God's manipulation.

The Hebrews moved to Egypt because there was a famine in their lands and they were able to get food in Egypt. Over time, they began to become so numerous that the Egyptian king felt that they threatened his own people so he made them begin to work for him. To keep the Hebrews from multiplying so quickly, the king supposedly ordered that the Hebrew newborn males be killed. To protect her son, Moses, a hebrew woman put him in a basket and he was raised in the Pharoh's household as an Egyptian. One day, Moses saw an Egyptian hitting a Hebrew so he waited until the Egyptian was alone and he murdered him. The next day Moses saw a Hebrew hitting another Hebrew and he told them not to fight. The first Hebrew replied, "Who are you to tell us what to do? And what are you going to do about it, kill me like you did that Egyptian?" Moses realized that everyone would know that he murdered the Egyptian now, so he ran away to another land. The people of that land (Midian) accepted him as one of their own and he married one of their women and had children by her.

In time, God came to Moses and told him that he was going to be the one to free God's chosen people from the bondage that he had put them in under Pharoh. Moses didn't want the job and tried several ways to avoid the task. After convincing Moses that he couldn't get out of this, God told him that Pharoh would not want to let the Hebrews go. How did God know this? Simple. God intended to MAKE Pharoh's heart hard so that he wouldn't want to let the people go (Exodus 4:21, 7:3). God shows off at the expense of the EgyptiansPharoh lost his free will in the matter because God was going to control Pharoh's heart and mind. God said that he would repeatedly make it so that Pharoh didn't let the people go just so he could prove his power to the Egyptians and the Hebrews. God wanted a chance to show off his mighty strength but the only way to do it was to manipulate the mind of Pharoh and the Egyptians would be the ones to pay the price. Each time Pharoh wanted to get rid of the Hebrews, God would harden his heart and then send a plague to harm the Egyptians. There is no explanation of what the individual Egyptians may have done to deserve the suffering that God's "showing off" brought them. God merely says that he is hardening Pharoh's heart so that Moses can brag about what God did to the Egyptians (Exodus 10:1-2) Here is an accounting of the suffering which God caused through his interference with his "puppet" Pharoh's heart.

    Pharoh ignores Moses' magic shape-shifting-staff because God hardened his heart -Exodus 7:13-14
    The waters in the river turn to blood and the fish die, poisoning the drinking water of the Egyptians because of God's heart hardening - Exodus 7:22
    Plagues of frogs cover the land because of God's manipulations of Pharoh's heart - Exodus 8:15
    Plagues of lice afflict both man and beast because of God controlling Pharoh's heart - Exodus 8:19
    Swarms of flies and the disease they carry cover the land because God won't let Pharoh think for himself (Pharoh repeatedly shows that he is willing to let the Hebrews go but God turns around and hardens his heart - See Exodus 8:28) - Exodus 8:32
    Disease kills all of the Egyptians' cattle, horses, asses, camels, oxen and sheep while sparing the Hebrew livestock because God wasn't finished showing off - Exodus 9:6-7
    The Egyptians break out with festering boils, blisters and pustules and can't even stand, yet God hardens Pharoh's heart once more - Exodus 9:12
    God ups the anty and starts killing the Egyptians with pestilence and burning hail which burns up the crops and destroys the Egyptians' food supplies. Pharoh shows his true heart by surrendering to Moses' demands (Exodus 9:27-28) but God won't let him off that easy and hardens his heart once more - Exodus 9:35
    God sends locusts to eat what remains of the crops and Pharoh again surrenders (Exodus 10:10-11) only to have God do his thinking for him once more and harden his heart - Exodus 10:20
    God covers the land with darkness for three days then hardens Pharoh's heart some more - Exodus 10:27
    God's grand finale of injustice, he kills the firstborn of all the Egyptian humans and animals (Exodus 11:5) so that the world will know that God discrimates with extreme prejudice based on race and/or national origin (Exodus 11:7) and again, God hardens Pharoh's heart - Exodus 11:9-10
    The Hebrews steal the property of the Egyptians, the Bible conveniently calls it "borrowing" - Exodus 12:35-36
    While the Hebrews are leaving Egypt, God decides to harden Pharoh's heart one last time just to let the Egyptians know that "I am the Lord." (Exodus 14:4) This results in the deaths of all the horsemen and horses of Pharoh's army (Exodus 14:28) - Exodus 14:17-18

The Bible tells us that the Hebrews sang a victory song which sums up the loving, tender mercies of the God of the Bible...

"The LORD is a man of war: the LORD is his name. - Exodus 15:3
Moses , Advisor to the All-Mighty

A popular Bible story tells how the Hebrews made a golden calf and began to worship it while Moses was on the Mount getting the ten commandments from God. Once God realized that the people had gone astray, he decided he would kill all his chosen people and start all over with Moses, making a "great nation" out of his offspring, like he had promised to do with Abraham's offspring. Moses reasons with God (a very brave thing to do considering God's short temper) telling God,

    "If you kill them all, then the Egyptians will make fun of you, saying that you went through all the trouble of dragging them out of Egypt just to kill them in the desert. Besides, you already swore to Abraham, Isaac, and Israel that you would give the land to their seed. If you kill their seed, then you will have broken your oath." (Exodus 32 :11-13)

Apparently Moses hit God in a soft spot (God's overinflated EGO) because God changed his mind and "repented of the evil which he thought to do unto his people." (Exodus 32:14) We must point out that this statement is in contradiction to elsewhere in the Bible where it states that God doesn't need to repent because he doesn't make mistakes (Numbers 23:19)

This isn't the only time that God has to be reminded of his promises or given advice on the irrationality of some of his decisions. Moses repeatedly had to keep God from utterly killing his "chosen people" by reasoning with him. When the people complained because God was not meeting their physical demands (they were starving or dying of thirst because he either forgot about them or just didn't care enough to provide them with their necessary sustenance), God responded by killing them, often by the thousands. (Numbers 11:1-2, 33) It was Moses who had to calm God down and save the people from annihilation. At one point, the people were so tired of the poor living conditions that they desired to return to bondage in Egypt rather than dying in the desert. God got angry and swore to destroy them all, once again telling Moses that he would make a great nation out of Moses' offspring instead of Abraham's. Moses told God the following:

    "If you do that, the Egyptians will hear about it and they will make fun of you and they will tell all the other inhabitants of this land and then THEY will make fun of you also. They will say that God wasn't able to keep his word and take them to the land he promised them so he just killed them instead. Besides, you are supposed to have great mercy aren't you? Let's see some of that longsuffering and mercy, okay?" (Numbers 14:13-19)

Moses was once more able to change God's mind by playing on his ego and God took Moses' advice and didn't kill everybody. Believers don't want to know that a human is better able to deal with stress and use reason than their "perfect" God is, but that is exactly what happened repeatedly in the Bible. For other examples of Moses foiling God's emotional outbursts see The Bloody Bible.
Moses Establishes Idol Worship

When Moses came down off the Mount with the tablets that had the ten commandments written on them, he saw the people dancing naked and worshipping the golden calf idol. This made him so angry that he threw the tablets down and they broke (Exodus 32:19). He then had the people kill each other (See The Bloody Bible). God had commanded that his people were not to make idols or images that they would bowed down before and worship (Leviticus 26:1). Moses and the Brass Serpent IdolBut during one of the times when God failed to provide food or water for his pets, (the Hebrews) they dared to complain and he sent them "fiery" (poisonous) snakes which bit the people and many of them died. When Moses asked God to take the snakes away, God commanded Moses to make an idol for the people to bow down to, in violation of his own law. This idol was a brass serpent which was placed on a pole. Any who had been bitten by the snakes who looked at the idol would be cured (Numbers 21:5-9). The Bible doesn't mention why God didn't just use his magic powers to heal those who had been bitten. Why was it suddenly okay to worship a serpent, of all things? The serpent was supposed to be evil wasn't it? It seems to us that this story was stolen from some other mythology since God would never have commanded his people to create an idol of a serpent to look up to for their salvation.
Balaam and the Donkey

While the Hebrews were traveling from Egypt to invade the land that God said they could have for their own, they left a path of utter destruction in their path (See The Bloody Bible). The king of one of the heathen cities they approached saw their vast size and heard about what they had done to the other cities they had passed through so he decided to call on a wizard to curse the Israelites. This wizard was named Balaam and apparently he talked with God just like the Israelite prophets. When the king's messengers told Balaam that the king wanted him to curse the Israelites, Balaam told them that he would first have to ask God about it. That night God came to Balaam and asked him, "What men are these with thee?" (Numbers 22:9) We're not sure why does God not already know who they are. Maybe he's just making conversation with his wizard. So Balaam tells God that the king has asked him to curse this group of people that are approaching the city. God tells Balaam that he is NOT to go with the king's messengers. Balaam is forbidden to curse the Israelites because they are God's chosen people and they are blessed (Numbers 22:12). Modern Christians pretend that God doesn't deal with wizards and sorcerers but here we have additional proof that this God plays both sides against each other (See The Authors of Human Misery). Balaam tells the messengers that God doesn't want him to curse the Israelites. The messengers return to their king who sends them back to bribe Balaam. This time Balaam calls on God and when God comes to Balaam this time God tells him to "go ahead and go with them but say only what I tell you to say." (Numbers 22:20)

The next day Balaam gets on his donkey and leaves with the messengers, just as God told him to do but the Bible tells us that God was angry with Balaam because he went (Numbers 22:22). What a wishy-washy God! Apparently God changed his mind overnight because he sends an angel to block the path of Balaam's donkey. After several attempts to make the donkey go, the donkey begins to talk to Balaam, asking him "Why are you beating me when I have always served you loyally?" Balaam procedes to argue with his donkey, until the angel makes himself visible to Balaam. When Balaam sees the angel he is understandably confused ("why is God blocking my path when he just told me to go with the messengers last night?") and he tells the angel "I'll go back home if you don't want me to go with them." Suddenly the angel changes his tune and he tells Balaam that he can now go with the messangers but he is to say only what God puts in his mouth. (The same thing God had told him the night before) What is going on here? Other than the obsurdity of talking animals, it seems like God has trouble communicating with his angels because this angel didn't know that God had given Balaam permission to go with the king's men the night before. Maybe there was a breakdown in the Godly message server. Heavenly e-mail must not be all it's cracked up to be!

Balaam does what God has told him to do and blesses the Israelites in the face of the king instead of cursing them like the king had desired. What is Balaam's reward for his obedience? God has Moses kill him along with all the rest of the five kingdoms of Midianites (Numbers 31:8). It really sucks to not be one of God's chosen race.
Samson and Delilah

The story of Samson is another favorite children's Bible story with many facts conveniently left out of the children's version. To understand the background of Samson and why he didn't cut his hair, we must first discuss the Hebrew law of the Nazarite. According to God's law, a person could take a vow of seperation and they would be called a "Nazarite." This vow was taken so that a person would be holy or untouched by the law. A person who took this vow had to abstain from wine or anything made with grapes, he never cut his hair, and he never came in contact with anything that was dead. If the person kept this vow, they were considered holy or righteous no matter what else they did. So if a person took this vow, they could have sex with prostitutes and still be considered holy. But if they didn't keep the vow, i.e. they drank wine, cut their hair, or killed something, they were no longer considered holy and they became accountable for whatever they had done before because they defiled their seperation (Number 6:1-12).

Before Samson was born, an angel appeared to his mother (she was barren and couldn't have children at that time) and told her that she was going to have a son but he would be a Nazarite from birth. So she had to abstain from drinking wine while she was pregnant and she was to never cut his hair. How a child can take such a vow before it is old enough to understand the covenant is not addressed by the angel. So Samson is born and he is blessed with mighty strength because he is a Nazarite unto God. Samson falls in love with a Philistine woman (not of God's chosen race) and he wants to marry her so he tells his father to "get her for me because she pleases me." (Judges 14:3) While he and his parents are traveling to visit his future wife, he encounters a lion and kills it with his bare hands. Samson is afraid that if his parents learn about the lion, they will think that it is a sign from God telling them that he shouldn't be marrying this woman who is not of his race, so he hides the lion's body from them. According to the law of the Nazarite, Samson should have lost his strength the first time he touched something that was dead or the first time he killed something but for some reason, God lets Samson remain a Nazarite, keeping his superhuman strength even after he breaks the rules.

Samson's father makes a feast for the bride-to-be and her family and thirty men show up at the party. Samson decides he will make a little profit from this party and he makes a bet with the men at the party. He tells them that if they can guess the answer to a riddle, he will give them 30 sheets and 30 changes of clothes, but if they can't guess the answer in a week they would pay him 30 sheets and 30 changes of clothes. These men cannot guess the answer to the riddle so they threaten Samson's fiance, telling her that if she doesn't tell them the answer to the riddle, they will burn her and her father's house with fire (Judges 14:15). She is able to get Samson to tell her the answer and she tells the answer to the men. When the day arrives to answer the riddle, the men have the right answer and Samson storms off to another city, "And the Spirit of the Lord came upon him..." and he murdered thirty men and took their property to pay off his gambling debt. (Judges 14:19) Interestingly each time Samson murders someone it is after "the Spirit of the Lord comes upon him." Again Samson has violated the vow of the Nazarite but he is still considered "holy" and keeps his strength. After he payed off the debt, he returned to his own city and the father of the woman he was going to marry thought he had abandoned her so he gave her to another man to marry (Judges 15:2).

After Samson's anger cools a little, he returns to take his bride, only to find that she has been given to another man. In his anger, Samson captured 300 foxes (yeah, right) and tied burning sticks to their tails and set them loose in the cornfields and vineyards of the Philistines, destroying their food supply. The Philistines found out that Samson had destroyed their crops so they in turn burned the woman he wanted to marry and her father to death with fire (Judges 15:6). This enraged Samson and he went out and killed the men who burnt his ex-fiance and her father. Now the Philistines are even angrier so they send out an army to take Samson and bring him to justice. His own people tie him up and deliver him to the Philistine army, but once again, "the Spirit of the Lord came mightily upon him..." and he killed 1,000 Philistines with the jawbone of an ass (Judges 15:14-15). Once more he violates the law of the Nazarite with no consequences. After this incident, the Bible says that Samson served as a judge in Israel for twenty years. We can only imagine the sort of justice which he dished out during that period.

Later Samson goes to a city called Gaza and he has sex with a prostitute (Judges 16:1). When the Philistines learn that he is in the whorehouse they try to lay a trap to kill him in the morning but Samson surprises them by getting up at midnight and tearing the gates of the city off their hinges and escaping into the night. We must remind you that it's okay for Samson to have sex with prostitutes because he is a Nazarite. I know quite a few men who wish they could take the vow of the Nazarite today.

Then came Delilah, another prostitute that Samson fell in love with. After numerous attempts she is able to learn the secret of his strength and she cuts his hair and he loses his strength. Why it was okay for Samson to violate the other statutes of the vow but not the one regarding the cutting of hair is another of those mysteries of God. Supposedly, Samson regains his Godly strength once his hair grows back (Judges 17:22). His hair acting like some sort of magic steroids, he becomes strong enough to pull down the pillars of the stadium and kills around 3,000 people. Completing the legend of Samson with a final violation of the vow of the Nazarite, we are left to wonder what is the point of making laws if selected individuals can violate them with impunity?
Tell Me the Stories of Jesus

After seeing our critique of the Bible we are often told, "But that's the OLD Testament!" as if God somehow has changed even when the Bible states that God never changes (Malachi 3:6). The New Testament has its own share of gross injustices and misinterpreted stories which we will be covering in further detail in the near future. For now we refer you to our Anti-tracts for a glimpse of the truth as seen from the "other side" of the religious fence.

"And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." - John 8:32