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INTRODUCTION
necessary dealings with mathematics and natural science. But
then, all at once, I saw clearly that I could not bring myself to do
this; that these had been my real occupation up to now, and
were still my chief joy. All else seemed hollow and unsatisfy-
ing. This conviction came upon me quite suddenly, and I felt
inclined to sit down and write to you at once. Although I have
restrained myself for a day or two, so as to consider the matter
thoroughly, I can come to no other result. I cannot understand
why all this was not clear to me before; for I came here filled
with the idea of working at mathematics and natural science,
whereas I had never given a thought to the essentials of my pro-
fessional training-surveying, building construction, builders'
materials, and such like. I have not forgotten what I often used
to say to myself, that I would rather be a great scientific investi-
gator than a great engineer, but would rather be a second-rate
engineer than a second-rate investigator. But now when I am in
doubt, I think how true is Schiller's saying, "Und setzet Ihr nicht
das Leben ein, nie wird Euch das Leben gewonnen sein," and that
excessive caution would be folly. Nor do I conceal from myself
that by becoming an engineer I would be more certain of earning
my own livelihood, and I regret that in adopting the other course
I shall probably have to rely upon you, my dear father, all the
longer for support. But against all this there is the feeling that
I could devote myself wholly and enthusiastically to natural
science, and that this pursuit would satisfy me; whereas I now see
that engineering science would not satisfy me, and would always
leave me hankering after something else. I hope that I am not
deceiving myself in this, for it would be a great and woful piece of
self-deception. But of this I feel positive, that if the decision is in
favour of natural science, I shall never look back with regret
towards engineering science, whereas if I become an engineer I
shall always be longing for the other; and I cannot bear the idea
of being only able to work at natural science for the purpose of
passing an examination. When I think of it, it seems to me that
I used to be much more frequently encouraged to go on with natural
science than to become an engineer. I may be better grounded in
mathematics than many, but I doubt whether this would be much of
an advantage in engineering; so much more seems to depend, at any
rate in the first ten years of practice, upon business capacity, ex-
perience, and knowledge of data and formulæ, which do not happen
to interest me. This and much else I have carefully considered
(and shall continue to think it over until I receive your reply),
but when all is said and done, even admitting that there are many
sound practical reasons in favour of becoming an engineer, I still
feel that this would involve a sense of failure and disloyalty to
myself, to which I would not willingly submit if it could be
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